This Sucks - MS 101

A place to vent -- both the good and bad -- in coping with this life altering disease.

Friday, September 30, 2005

sad day.....

Oh my god im riding down the road and having the feeling that im so alone in this world.... I don’t know y.. its crazy I hate this I wanna be happy im home but I don’t even know where to call home anymore . I bounce from place to place so offten that I feel like I have no home.... I feel like when I want to get into a deep convo. about ms my "friends" don’t know what to say so there ready to change the subject.. So I don’t bring it up anymore. Im so sad and really have no reason to be sad. Help!!! I could cry at any moment! Oh well right life shall go on sad unhappy or not right? Uuuggghhh.... and my 21st b day party is tomarrow and all I wanna do is cry! Does this mean im depresed ? Or does it mean im just human and have ms and its fucking with my head????? oh well life shall move on ....................
LATER ON :
ya know I love my friends to death!!! but omg I don’t know what it is but I have this bla feeling like im a tossable person to them.... makes me upset...... I know or I think they love me .... if not they put up with me anyway right? Well I am going to go to bed now I have a long day tomarrow. We are having my drinking party tomarrow night... hopefully ill be ok... please keep your fingers crossed!!! Well take care guys....

Thursday, September 29, 2005

oh my !!!

OH MY NOW WHAT? I HAVE NO LIFE AT ALL.. IM 21 NOW FEEL NO OLDER THANK GOD CUZ I ALREADY FEEL LIKE IM 60 LOL... THAT ONE GUY I WAS TALKING ABOUT HE GOT MAD AT ME CUZ I WAS FLIRTING WITH ANOTHER GUY AND HASNT BEEN BACK I THINK I GAVE HIM THE WROUNG IMPRESSION BUT I DID STRAIGHT UP TELL HIM I DIDNT NEED A REALTIONSHIP TILL HE GOT HIS SHIT TOGETHER.... ANYWAY HAVE A GOOD ONE YA'LL

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

HAPPY B DAY TO ME !!!!!!!

9/27/05
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! YAE IM SO HAPPY THAT ITS ALL OVER!!!! WELL FOR THOSE WONDERING ABOUT THE GUY I WAS TALKING ABOUT : THATS IS NOTHING NEVER STASRTED SO NOTHING TO END RIGHT? HE WANTS TO GROW UP BUT HIS SCTIONS DONT SAY SO! SO I HAVE TO GO TAKE CARE !!!

(9/25/05)

Hey ok im sitting at home its like 11:40 pm and I cant sleep ugh!!! I talked to Wendy for an hour trying to stay up and upstairs to talk to mom who don’t get off work till 12 am. But im not sleepy... what a suprise everyone else is asleep kelly and jon and the kids... so its like ugh nothing to do noone to talk with well I guess ill try to go back to bed take care all....
(9/26/05)
Hey all what’s up? God im so damn bored its not even funny.. I am sitting here watching and lisening to Kelly and Wendy play with the kids while Jon cooks dinner... what a life right lol. My left hip has been killing me all day.. Hurts badly.. Nothing helps. Ugh!! MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!!! Yea! It will prob. Be nothing that I thought it would be... lol oh well right? I know I have to be up at or around 9 am!! I was thinking of setting the alarm clock but now im kinda like fuck it oh well ya know....I hate the feeling of feeling left out and alone . Ugh I really hate it!!! well dinner is almost done ill right tomarrow to tell ya how it went it will prob be nothing at all like I think its gonna be.... take care. Untill next time....

Sunday, September 25, 2005

ALL SMILES??

IM GOING TO PUT THIS QUESTION OUT THERE TO THOSE WHO DO READ THIS BLOG LOL IF THERE ARE ANY I KNOW MY LIFE IS REALLY BORING!! LOL

OK WHAT MAKES ALL YALL SMILE???
MY FRIENDS MAKE ME SMILE MORE THAN THAT MY BEST FRIENDS KIDS MAKE ME SMILE THE MOST!!! I LOVE EM TO DEATH!!! MY MOM MAKES ME SMILE AND LAUGH AS MUCH AS SHE CAN... NANA IS FUNNY LOL SHE MAKES ME SMILE I THINK EVERYONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME MAKE ME SMILE AND KEEP ME SANE DOWN TO EARTH YA KNOW.... WELL TAKE CARE!

Saturday, September 24, 2005

venting!!!!!

god damn it! i was having an ok day till nana started talking about my case about ssi and ssdi uuuugggghhhh!!! ya know im fed up with it all i hate nero's lawyers with all of 'em. im trying guys i hate it i so wish for like 1 mo. my old nero's and the people that keep dening me could take my ms for just 1 mo then i would take it back let them see how much hell they are putting me threw for a little while!! well thanks i just needed a vent time ..

Friday, September 23, 2005

ALMOST HERE!!!

WELL MY 21ST B DAY IS THE 27TH (TUESDAY) AND IM PLANNING ON GETTING "MESSED" UP!!!! WE ARE PLANNING ON HAVING A LITTLE GET TOGETHER OF LIKE 6 TO 9 PEOPLE LOL THATS SAD WHEN I COUNT IT OUT LIKE THAT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE..... OH WELL WE ARE HAVING JELLO SOOTERS BEER SWEET TARTS( A DRINK MADE WITH VODKA) I DONT DRINK BEER THATS FOR THOSE WHO DONT WANT MIXED DRINKS.. ANYWAY ABOUT THE BOY OK IT WAS FUNNY CUZ THE SAME DAY I TOLD MY BEST FRIEND HE CAME OVER TO THE HOUSE AND THE BALL IS ROLLING ... THE ONLY PROB. WE TALKED AND BOTH DESIDED THAT WHAT EVER HAPPENS HAPPENS I ALSO TOLD HIM THAT IF IT GOT TO THE POINT THAT I WANTED TO TAKE IT TO THE "SLEEPING" TOGETHER HE HAS TO GET THE WHOLE STD TEST ALL OF EM . CUZ AROUND THE TOWN HERPIS IS GOING AROUND LIKE HOT FIRE HE SAID IF I WANTED HIM TO IF IT GOT THERE HE WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM DOING SO.....SO WE WILL SEE BUT THATS FOR WHO EVER I DESIDED TO GET WITH...NOT JUST HIM AND NOT JUST CUZ HES FROM THIS TOWN ITS FOR ANYONE.. BUT WE WILL SEE HES GOING TO BE AT THE HOUSE FOR MY "GET TOGETHER" SO IVE ALREADY NAMED MY SLEEPING PARTNER ( A FRIEND WENDY) JUST INCASE!!! WELL TTYL!!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

IM 20 YR OLD I NEED A LIFE!!!

(9/20/05)
Hey how goes it??? well ok lets see... im just been sitting around being bored... heres how it is im so crushing on this one boy well guy around town he knows me he used to come around the house long time ago but he and his (then ) girl friend dissed us at the house and we didnt talk for a long time then he came up to the house one night and apallowgized to us all one by one... he has had a bad childhood like wise... he is a pot head but lately who isnt he came up to the house the other night talking like he had to stop cuz he was going to get a job for 12:50 an hr. and round here thats good I don’t know I have to run it by my best friend cuz she is my only ride anywhere so I wrote he a letter tonight we will see how that goes.. I just need someone for me and only me to talk without it getting everywhere. And to and have fun with not a drug thing but just fun in general!! (mom if your reading lol) ill let ya know how it goes.

(9/21/05)
ok I have informed my best friend that #1 im not going to let ms run my life anymore damnit im 21 yr old I need to have fun!! And #2 that im crushing on this guy that lives in town I didnt ask her if I should I told her I was !!! im living for me not anyone else!!! not that I lived for her to begin with I just wanted her blessing with it but she hasnt said anything about it so its ok im going for it ... next time I see him im asking him if he wants to come to the house and chill out or something f**k all this being alone for my life!!!! ill keep you all informed ! My ms is doing fine now(keep your fingers crossed) not fine but the best ill prob ever be ok I can deal with this I guess!! Well take care.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

OK HI ALL IT IS 1158 ON A SAT. NIGHT AND IM SO SAD AND LONELY!! I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LESSION TO ME HOLD ME AND GIVE ME A KISS EVERY NOW AND THEN... I FEEL LIKE ILL BE ALONE FOR EVER... CUZ IM ALWAYS BOUNCING FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER... I JUST WANT TO STOP STAY HOME LIVE A NORMAL LIFE DAMNIT!!! WHY ME? I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO WONT LEAVE ME STRANDED WHO WILL LOVE ME NO MATTER MY MS CRAP I THINK I LET MS CONTROL ME I NOW DONT KNOW HOW NOT TO LET IT... EVERYTHING I DO HOW IT WILL EFFECT MY MS IS ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD....UGH!!! WELL TY JUST WANTED TO VENT A LITTLE... TAKE CARE ...

Friday, September 16, 2005

update again a weird week

WHAT A WEEK... WE WERE SOPOSTO GET A HURRICANE (OPHELIA) TODAY WE DIDNT GET ANYTHING IT WAS NUTS PEOPLE WERE GOING NUTS CUZ OF THE RECENT HURRICANE THAT THEY FUCKED UP WITH DOWN SOUTH (THE GOLF COAST) WHEN WHAT THEY SOULD OF DONE WAS BE THERE FOR THEM MAKE’S ME MAD NEXT SUBJECT....WE HAD SOME WIND NO RAIN IT HAS FELT GOOD OUTSIDE THOUGH. MADE ME MAD BECAUSE IT MADE ME HURT WORSE THAN USUAL BUT DID NOTHING. I DON’T KNOW WHY I ALWAYS SEEM TO HURT WORSE WHEN THE WEATHER IS MESSED UP.... I AM KINDA SAD ALSO I HAVE NOTICED IM STARTING TO LOSE MORE HAIR WHEN I BRUSH IT SOMETIMES IT JUST FALLS OUT WHEN I RUN MY HANDS THROUGH IT BUT IM THE ONLY ONE WHOS NOTICED SO FAR AND MY PERIOD WAS A JOKE THIS MO. I BLEED FOR MAYBE ½ A DAY NOT THAT IM MAD ABOUT THAT IT’S JUST THAT IT SCARES ME CUZ I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE KIDS .. I KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW AS I AM I DON’T WANT ANY. BUT ITS DIFFERANT TO SAY I DON’T WANT KIDS AND I CANT HAVE KIDS YA KNOW? WELL GOING TO BED.... ILL POST TOMARROW(9/16/05)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

SEPT. 11......(A POST NOT REALTED TO MS RELATED TO LIFE)

YOU KNOW I GOT REALLY PISSED WHEN I WOKE UP THIS AM AND WAS EXPECTING TO HAVE SOMTHING ON THE FRONT PAGE ABOUT SEPT 11 OF THE LOCAL PAPER... BUT THER WASNT ANYTHING TILL THE 2END TO LAST PAGE AND IT WAS A LITTLE SMALL PEICE ... WTF? PISSED ME OFF..... I MEAN YEA I RELIZE KATRAINA IS BIG BUT TO ME JUST BECAUSE SEPT WAS SO FAR AWAY DONT MAKE IT LESS WORTH WRITING ABOUT YA KNOW??? I DONT KNOW IT JUST HIT A NERVE YA KNOW? WELL I GUESS IM DONE VENTING ..........

Saturday, September 10, 2005

HEY!

HEY ALL IM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THIS BLOG THING LOL I KNOW IM SLOW... ANYWAY MY EYES ARE FEELING A LITTLE BETTER. THATS GREAT CUZ IT WAS DRIVING ME NUTS LOL. MY FRIEND GETS OFF WORK AT 3 AND ITS 130 LOL IM SO DRAGGINF MY ASS. I HAVE BEEN SO SLOW ALL DAY. I HAVE ALSO BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MY MOM AND GRANDPARENTS AND FIENDS ARE TRYING TO PLAN FOR MY B DAY ( SEPT. 27) I HAVE 17 MORE DAYS LOL I KNOW IT WILL BE BIG CUZ OF WHAT SHE DID FOR MY SISTER LOL WELL OTHER THAN THAT IT IS BEING A LAZY NO GOOD DAY BORING IM OK WALKING IS STILL OFF BUT IT MIGHT ALWAYS BE OFF MY EYES HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE BETTER I STILL GET BAD HEAD ACHES THO I TAKE IBPROFIN LOL EVEN THO THATS A JOKE MOST THE TIME LOL... WELL TAKE

Thursday, September 08, 2005

update

9/07/05)
HEY ALL.. HOW GOES IT? IM OK MY HEAD HAS BEEN HURTING.. THE PAIN IN MY EYES IS ABOUT TO DRIVE ME NUTS..NO MATTER WHAT I DO ITS STILL THERE 24/7 PROB STILL WHILE IM SLEEPING THEY HURT FROM THE TIME I GET UP TILL THE TIME I GO TO BED.. UUGGHHH!!! ANYWAY.. THE KIDS ARE SO ADORABLE...I MISSED THEM SOOO MUCH ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY.... I FEEL HELPLESS CUZ *BONNIE* HAS TO TAKE CARE OF 2 KIDS DURING THE WEEK ITS LIKE SHE HAS TWINS.. CUZ *JENI’S* CP.. SHE SLOWER.. IT RUNS HER RAGGED. SHE’S BUSY ALL WEEK WITH JENIS THRYPY ONE DAY A WEEK MAYBE SHE HAS OFF THAT’S IF *LEE* AND HER AIN’T GOT ANY APPT. I FEEL SO BAD SO HELP LESS.... THEN I FEEL SO BAD FOR THE HURRICANE VICTIMS IT MAKES ME MAD/SAD I WOULD PROB. BE DEAD IF I GOT BAD I WOULD OF ASKED SOMEONE TO SHOT ME OR ID DO MY DAMNEDS’T TO KILL MY SELF I KNOW IT MIGHT SOUND BAD BUT JUST SIT BACK AND THINK WHAT WOULD YOU OF DONE??? NO MED.S NO AC NO NUTHIN!! ID BE DEAD! ANYWAY IM GOING TO BED NITE!! ILL POST THIS TOMORROW ..TAKE CARE...

Friday, September 02, 2005

LA LA LA

(9/01/05)
HEY ALL HOW GOES IT? IM OK IT IS HOT HERE (NC) WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK ABOUT THE HURRICANE? I THINK ITS SO SAD I FEEL FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE. MY EYES HAVE BEEN GIVING ME A LITTLE TROUBLE.. THEY JUST HURT BADLY OTHER THAN THAT IM FINE THE KIDS ARE GREAT :) SO CUTIE I DIDN’T RELIZE HOW MUCH I REALLY DID MESS THEM UNTILL I GOT BACK HOME .. WELL I WILL POST THIS NEXT TIME I GET ONLINE JUST LETTING ALL KNOW IM STILL HERE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT... TAKE CARE...