This Sucks - MS 101

A place to vent -- both the good and bad -- in coping with this life altering disease.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy halloween!!!

well i hope everyones had a great halloween... i had an ok one well at moms the t or t at diffeant times so the cops only have like 1/4 of the town to watch than it all so moms part was thurs. so really it was a normal day... it was like la day da... lol but sry i havent wroter in a few been kinda just chillin i guess.... thought id update ya ll on my ms tho... it isnt that bad ! but my lips and lower part of my left arm has been numb all day! my balance is off also..... but im ok mom seems to think its my body saying that i need my fix! navantrone fix that is lol.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

AT MOMS! UGH!!

OK OK I HAVE BEEN AT MOMS LESS THAN 1 WEEK .....AND FEEL LIKE A DIRTY LITTLE SLUT... PLUS I HURT EVERYWHERE..YESTERDAY I "HOOKED UP" WITH ONE OF JESSES FRIEND WHO WAS LOOKING FOR A BUDDY AS I WAS... IT WAS GOOD OR WELL YEA EXPECIALLY SENCE I HAVENT HAD ANY SENCE FEB. OH WELL NOW I HURT EVERYWHERE... ITS COLD HERE AND IM TIERD.. AND ITS COLD HERE :( I HURT EVERYWHERE CANT MOVE WITH OUT HURTING... OH WELL WELCOME TO MS IN THE WINTER RIGHT??? TAKE CARE ALL...

Saturday, October 22, 2005

omg!

OMG I HATE IT I DONT THINK IM GOING TO BE ABLE O DO THIS!!!! I DONT WANNA LEAVE AT ALL! I WANNA STAY EVEN IF SHE DONT TALK TO ME THE KIDSI MISSEM ALREADY And im still at nana's when kelly dropped me off we hugged at both ofd is were balling!!! i dont wanna go!!! im so sad!!! hopefully it will get better!

Friday, October 21, 2005

getting ready .. to leave :(

Ok well I finally got enough "guts" to give her the letter no response tho oh well it least I gave it to her right? (Pat on the back) I don’t know its weird I feel like "unwanted" like I know "dad" wants me here and the kids love me but she don’t show anything like she don’t care if im here or not ..... and it’s hard on me cuz when im here im usually with her all the time most times... I don’t know I guess we will have to see .... maybe my letter was like a what ever to her or something I know she has A LOT on her mind!!!! oh well but other than that my eye is still a little swollen and im packing to go to moms I cry a lot now... I don’t know how much I can handle.... it’s sad I sometimes consider ya’ll (my ms internet friends) a lot closer than those I love so much... oh well right life must go on...
Next day 10/20/05
Ok here we go... I leave in 2 days and my damn brain is making me nuts.... my best friend don’t show any emotion at all... im beginning to think that she don’t want me here... witch I don’t really think is true but I would like some re assurance ya know? Help??? my head is making me so fucked up she don’t talk and don’t wanna hear about me and my ms .. Her dad says its cuz she feels bad about it and blocks it out but if im willing to talk about it y cant she be??? oh my.... I think I might try to talk to her when she gets home? What cha think? But I think Wendy will be here and I don’t wanna be mean.. Maybe I can just say I need to talk to you I don’t know!!! ill write more later.. Take care ...be careful...."B"
10/21/05
ok I leave to go back tomorrow.... I desided not to talk with kelly so I guess we will just leave it where it is!!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

here we go

Hey ok here we go.... 1 week till I go back to moms.... today I went to nanas till kelly got off work well I got there was fine till I got online sat down in pop pop’s chair and got all stuffy and my right eye started to swell they put doggy perfume on the damn dogs took two benadrill and had pop pop bring me home.. Fine now eye still swollen a little bit but other than that and the fact that I feel like I have no energy at all... and my head feels like its going to explode... I guess im ok lol... hope ya’lls day is going better than mine lol.. Take care......
Later:
Ok im sitting here balling my damn eyes out..... I wrote well typed my "best" friend/sister/room mate a letter to tell her how I feel like we don’t talk about nothing but "old" times im scared to give it to her I would die if this friend dropped me like others have ... im so scared aextious to give it to her afraid of what her response to it will be it’s like 11:30 pm and im really tiered cant sleep tho I have to give it to her tomorrow tho cuz I leave sat. and she works Thurs. and Friday night.. So I have to I want her to get me to understand me my ms and the way my life is right now...wish me luck right???

Saturday, October 15, 2005

10 /12 threw 10 /16 2005

(10/16?/05) OK guys I leave "home" next sat. to get the next treatment of nav. Ugh .... so im sry that my post have been really down lately.... but thats me I guess.... I go back and re read em b4 I post em and it takes a lot for me not to delete it and write something happy and post that so people don’t think im nuts... or anything.... while take care


(10/12?/05)
I think it’s the 12 th lol... ok. Its like 2:30 in the afternoon and im sitting here outside
Hollie’s therapy typing to my blog... lol what a sad ass life lol...im so sad guys... I don’t know if I can bounce back and forth its killing me mentally im so sad that I have to leave that im trying to not be but I am being a bitch to those who I love and want to be home with.... im so sad!! Ugh I hate this I hate having to bounce like as soon as I get used to being home I have to bounce back to moms.. I love it here.... I wanna be home!!! but!!!! I know that I want my mom there when I get these treatments so im split!!! I also feel like my "best" friend like don’t know what to say to me any more.. Makes me crazy living in a house with her and having her just not talk cuz she’s scared I guess... I wrote her a letter well email she hasn’t looked at it yet tho that’s the best way for me to talk is threw writing (if you haven’t noticed) her to she "talks" deep shit better threw writing it out.... its hard tho she’s busy all day everyday with Hollie and Andrew.... were she should be ...so hopefully its just me thinking that she’s not wanting to talk to me I guess I don’t know...oh well it would kill me to have to let this friendship go cuz the ms is to much for her....I would die for real then I would leave and stay at moms...... maybe I sould ask her? I don’t think im depending on her for anything to do with my ms besides money for food but sometimes I buys them dinner like with my b day $ I wanted kfc so I got the whole family kfc.... hopefully im blowing it way, way out of portion my mom thinks I need an anitdepresent... what cha think ?

Friday, October 07, 2005

sry guys!!!

(10/03/05) Hey ok I had a good night on sat. to celebrate my 21st b day got tipsy had a good night still hurting from it tho but not as bad as others told me I might... so its all good..... now im all sad cuz everyday that goes by its closer to me having to leave :( I don’t wanna go back to mom’s I feel like I have no home feel like when im here everyone treats me like im visiting and when I go to moms I cant get close to anyone cuz I don’t wanna.... I just wish I had a place to call home I wish that I could stay in one place.... don’t get me wroung I want to be with mom when I have my chemo. treatment that shit is scary and makes me sick for like 2 weeks...... but I just wish I didnt have to go so far away from what I call home ....its sad cuz I call were im at now home but the people that I live with just concider me to be "visiting" makes me feel like an unwanted outsider don’t know why it just does. I feel like I have nothing to talk with my "best" friend but past things cuz she don’t know what to say about my ms and I don’t know what to say to her about all that she has to do and go threw.... I try but its like she don’t wanna talk to me... I wish she would tho it would make me feel like Im here trying to be the friend that she needs .. Ya know I don’t know so if yall do maybe ya can help me out lol... im all confused and sad and uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh..... I told my mom today that I just wanna give up all together say fuck it....(I wont but I feel like doing it) well my head hurts so..... night


(10/05/05) Ok I went to a house with internet tonight and tried to get to the dashboard so I could post my last post but something was wrong with the site... so im sry... ill try again next time...
Anyway, I haven’t been having the "greatest" of days but they have been ok I guess. Im getting sadder as each day passes mom thinks I need to talk to my pcp here about putting me on some antidepressants I don’t know I just feel like me and my friend have nothing to talk about cuz she don’t know what to say and I try but all I get is a blank stare frustrating at times but I love her I guess I either got to say nothing or keep trying to pull conversation out of her it’s all frustrating. I know shes got a lot on her mind any maybe she just don’t need me on it to ya know? Oh well but like mom said it’s prob just me! Ugh damn these wholes in my brain lol !!!! ok well night ...

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Party day!

Hey today is party day ... im so looking foward to it ... im ready to get it all done and over with ... ready for tomarrow.. already that shows you how much im into partying huh? i guess im to ready for it . is that possiable i dont know ill write tomarrow maybe lol take care all have a great night... i know ill try to...