This Sucks - MS 101

HEY..

2006-02-06T21:20:00.000-08:00

OK HERE WE GO BACK AGAIN.. UGHH IM SRY READY TO GET IT OVER WITH I WANNA GO GET THAT BLUE MED THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE CRAP FOR A COUPLE DAYS THEN MAKES ME FEEL GREAT AND ONLY HOSE WHO HAVE HAD IT CAN UNDERSTAND IT... MOM SAYS IT LIKE A ILLEGAL DRUG TO ME MY BODY PHINES THE SHYT LOL ANYWAYS IM TRYIN TO DEAL AM I DO IT WELL I DONT KNOW WE SHALL SEE...ANYWAYS.. I WANT IT... I NEED IT ... OH I WISH IT WAS OVER... AND DOWN...

hello...

2006-02-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

ahhhhhhh ok hear ..we go my gurl had a very heathy big (8lbs 1 ounce 20 in. long) baby gurl!! and from what i hear she beutiful and heathy... and i told em if they dont mail me a picture of her ill be pissed and not go home!! but i will go ill be hurtand upset is all ya know?? im already upset that i wasnt there i feel like shit i wanna go home now!! and say f it to the novantrone!!! but i know i need that i need it and i want it and i wanna go home... im sad...

ha ha ha

2006-01-31T14:17:00.000-08:00

hey.. god im so depressed.. i wanna be home my gurls laid up havin a baby as i type and im sittin on my ass not knowing whats going on.. i feel like my ms has taken over.. i feel like ms had taken me away from life in general ughhhhh...

ok...

2006-01-25T15:07:00.000-08:00

ok here we go... i know i havent wrote in a while a long while and im sry i have been sick and now i have this horrible spine pain the best way to describe it is it feels like someones stabbing me in my neck draging it down my spine and then back up and across my solders or better than that it f**king hurts.... and i feel bad that i havent wrotwe but here i wrote... i miss you guys
dont know if anyones even out there anymore... but im here ... promaise..ill be back at moms by mon. and again online 24 7 so ttyl... "B"

2006-01-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

hey guys im so sry i have and still AM SICK AND WE HAVENT REALLY GONE out to much .. but upsates is im sick but ok cuz its aint makeing my ms any worse so im cool .. it just sicks... 2and i have a apptment with my lawyer on thurs the 12 anbd then the 22 of feb i have a hearing with the law judge.. so thats it thats me .."B"

2005-12-28T10:32:00.000-08:00

im sad ok hers y:
i get my novantrone appt. every 3 mo. so i have one due in feb. and bubba 1st birthday is the 25 of feb so in turn means i have to have my novantrone at the beginning of feb witch thats kool but then we move to my next appt witch is in may
and my best friends b day is on the 22 and my lil sis gratuates from high school on the 9th of june... but when am i or how am i gonna squezze my treatment in without haveing to be in pa for 1 mo.?? help.. i hate having to bounce back and forth.. it kills me... help??

2005-12-24T10:49:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I HOPE EVERYNE HAS A GREAT CHRISTMAS.. I JUST ASK THAT U PLEASE REMEMBER WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT ...

IM JUST VERY HAPPYAND GREATFULL THAT IM UP WALKING EVEN IF I LOOK LIKE IM DRUNK.. LOL IM DOING SO MUCH BETTER NOW THAT I HAVE STARTED THE NOVANTRONE IM SP GREATFUL I JUST ASK FOR EVERYOONE WHO BELIVE THAT THERE IS A HIGHER PERSON OUT THERE...PLEASE DO TALKING TO EM AND ASK THAT THEY LOOK AFTER ALL THOSE WHO ARE HAVEING ISSUES OR TRAVLING OR ANYTHING THIS TIME OF YEAR... I DONT QUIET KNOW WHAT I BELIVE IN BUT I DO BELIVE THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING OUT THERE AND THAT IT MORE THAN LIKELY LOOKS AFTER FOCKS... WELL I HOPE EVERYBODY HAS GREAT CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR...

finnally..

2005-12-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

OK AFTER 8 HRS OF RIDING IN A MASDA MIATA IM HERE AT MOMS FOR CHRISTMAS.. OMG.. I HURT AFTER THAT DAMN LONG ASS RIDE.. WE(ME AND MY UNCLE MITON) ROAD BEHIND MY NANA AND POP POP THE WHOLE TIME.. AND HIS ASS DRIVES SO DAMN SLOW.. THEN WE RAN INTO TRAFFIC AN HOURS WORTH!! SO A 6 HOUR TRIP TOOK 8 1 HOUR DUE TO POP POP'S SLOW ASS AND 1 HOUR DUE TO TRAFFIC... BUT THE MAIN THING IS WE MADE IT!!!! WHOOO HOOO!!! THANK GOD... I HURT BADDLY BUT TRY NOT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT DONT WANNA MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD. SO I JUAT KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THAT AND POP PERCRIPTION IB PROFIN...LOL

#4

2005-12-20T18:18:00.000-08:00

hey guys im so sry... i have not had the time to get online unforchantly...but im going to be at moms on thursday (22) for one week ill get on all week 24/7,,, lol well ttyl (damn dial up) cant be on that long and then get rushed when i am online...

#3

2005-12-12T10:26:00.000-08:00

HEY GUYS OK OK LETS SEE I HAVE HAD A GOOD TIME AT HOME AND A GREAT TIME WITH THE KIDS... CHRISTMAS IS HERE... IM GONNA BE BACK AT MOMS FOR 1 WEEK AND THEN IM COMING BACK... WHAT IS EVERYONE ELSE'S PLANS FOR THE HOILDAY...??? HOPE ALL IS WELL AND OK... TC

#2

2005-12-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

hi guys im ok living life busy at times slowly at others... miss you tho.. i wanna magicly say poof and have everything be ok for all those that i ove and care about but hey we all know that aint gonna happen lol well i hope all is good for yall tc

UPDATE ON ME...#1

2005-12-04T18:27:00.000-08:00

OK IM HOME AND ITS BEEN ALMOST 1 WEEK AND ITS BEEN OK I HAVE HAD TO COUNT TO 10 (MY FORM OF "COPING" WITH DUMB STUFF I GET FUSTRATED WITH) IM VERY VERY HAPPY TO BE HOME... I LOVE THE KIDS AND KELLY AND DAD AND WENDY... WELL EVERYONE.. THERE ARE ALOT OF PLACES I FEEL OUTTA PLACE WITH LIKE WITH CERTIN PEOPLE BUT IT'S ALL GOOD... CUZ I AM LOVING BEING HOME... I AM NOW WONDERING HOW LONG WILL I BE ABLE TO CALL HOME HOME YA KNOW OH WELL ILL JUST HAVE TO HANDLE THAT WHEN THAT COMES UP I GUESS I DID CHANGE OR REARRANGE MY ROOM ... LOVE IT ALSO.. WELL HOPE ALL IS WELL... TAKE CARE

2005-11-29T12:21:00.000-08:00

just letting yall know i got home ok we left mon morning at 230 300 am .... got here in nc at 8 am and busted up in kellys room and hollie was like boucing all around with a big amile lol so ... so far so good.... ttyl

OK IM LEAVING AGAIN...

2005-11-27T11:03:00.000-08:00

OK HUYS IM LEAVING AGAIN BUT ILL BE BACK AND YOU KNOW HOW IT WILL BE ILL BE POSTING STILL .. TAKE CARE ALL YALL BE SAFE... TAKE CARE "B"

me in my halloween outfit!!!

2005-11-26T19:23:00.000-08:00

2005-11-26T15:04:00.000-08:00

ok ok pACKING SUCKS ASS.. IT HAS TAKEN ME SENCE LAST NIGHT AND IM STILL NOT oh well im so DONE.. UGH!!! nd im exasted... im s i recomeneeao pumbed to go home.. i miss the kids .. kelly and jon adn dad im ready to just show them my f. it attutude the yes i have to reast and take it easy but im gonna have a good drama free time!!! lol ugh oh i recomed evbery body to read blindsided bye richard cohen.... its o good book i finshed listing to it on cd last night im listing to "speed bumbs" bye terri garr i have a feeling that ill like richareds book better, i think i can relate better.. mom says i have it as bad as he does and he has had it for 33 yr he has a great attude... anyways.... tc guys....

11/23/04

2005-11-23T22:20:00.000-08:00

HAPPY T - DAY.......

HAPPY T DAY GUYS.. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT ONE AND EAT TONZ ITS A SLEARGE DAY... I LOVE SPLEARGE DAYS.... WELL TAKE CARE I AHEV HAD LONG COUPLE DAYS,, SO IM TIERD... AND ILL AHVE A LONGER ONE TOMARROW.. SO I HOPE AND WISH EVERYONE A GREAT, SAFE, ENJOYFUL.. FAMILY FILLED TURKEY DAY... :)

a poem.....

2005-11-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

ok this is the 1st time I tried to wirte in a while so here we go...
11/21/05
I will not be held by this beast anymore...
It will just have to walk out the door....
I have chossen to let it run its fucked up course....
And become the known ms sourse...
It’s hard to go about day by day...
Knowing that MS might deside to take that it all away...
But I have come to except...
Life must move on as I wept.....
So as I say goodbye...
And only sometime’s ask the word why...
I reach out...
To other ms’ers in doubt
To realize it ain’t you..
Just something that you happen to be going threw..
It is sad
you have every right to be mad..
Cry scream and fight
just know at the end there’s a big light..
And when you find it...
It seem’s like "MS What is THIS SHIT"......
You live your life for you
and it seems like the whole world is lifted off your shoulders .whew...
Life can be about you again...
And let ms run around in your head but in a pen...
We shall all over come...ha it thought it has us...
Ms I thought I just saw that get run over by a bus....

IMPUT.....

2005-11-20T20:31:00.000-08:00

HELLO OK HOWS THE CHAGE LIKE IT?? I DO I THINK HUMM I GUESS WE WILL SEE... HA.. IPUT PLEASE

a new day

2005-11-19T15:33:00.000-08:00

a new day im going to try to be more + about my life with everything.. lol ill prob come here and bitch still but im going to try to be more positive like mom says i sould ... anyone see larry king live last night?/ it had mariedeth verria and her hubby and a country singer clay something and terri garr and a r and b singer wih ms and a ms doc. and they were all + so ima try to be....think itll work?
i hope so ... im sick and tierd of being sick and tierd ya know??

oh.. fridays...lol

2005-11-18T02:30:00.000-08:00

ok im toerd and feel a lil better but im still tierd... i havent been doing anything really chill around the house online and relaxin all day trying to make my self eat.... it so sucks as to have to brib your self to eat omg... well im am gonna talk to my best friend and seee if she would mind me posting pics of the kids.. and of lil things and people at my patry .... cuz she is in the pics so is another good friend so i guess i gotta talk to em b4 i put em up i dont even knoe if i can post more than one pic on here anyone know?

LALALA A LITTLE VENTING ABOUT WATCH...

2005-11-15T19:00:00.000-08:00

OK HERE WE GO... IM KINDA FEEL WEIERD ABOUT THIS POST BUT IMMA POST ANYWAYS... OK I FEEL HURT BY SOME OF THOSE IN CHAT YES I WAS DOWN TONIGHT BUT I JUST HAD CHEMO IM AWAY FROM HOME AND MY FRIENDS NO BOY FRIEND OR ANYONE I FEEL LIKE IM ALL ALONE I KNOW I HAVE MY MOM AND YES I THANK GOD FOR THAT BUT UGHHH I THOUGHT IT WS A PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO GO AND VENT AND SHIT AND BETHERE FOR OTHERS INSTED IG OT SOMEONE WHOS OLDER THEN MY GRANDMA TELLING ME IM BEING TO DOWN... HA SHE GOT TO LIVE HER LIKE SHE HAS HAD MS 22 YR. SO THAT MAKES HER 40 SOMETHING DANG THAT MAKES HER OLDER THAN MY MOM WHEN SHE WAS DX.. BUT I CANT BE DOWN..UGH!!!!!!!

11/15/05

2005-11-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

ok... i just thoght id pop in to let yall know the chemo went as well as to be expected... i feel like shit and im going to go back to lay down....

2005-11-13T02:02:00.000-08:00

hey ok are yall ready to step int the mind of a 21 yrold ms patient who has to take chemo to marrow... ok here we go:

guys what am i gonna do ? i so want someone to talk to about how i feel with all this ms stuff and chemo im scared !!! but noone is there mom and jess are at work nana is on the phone so its busy... bills down stairs sick so he can stay there and all my friends are in nc and im sitting here about to flip the f. out.... all alone.... i feel like i have to deal with this today all alone.... help me?? im all shaking and really upset by this and i dont undeerstand quite y . i mean yea its alot ut im soposto be able stroung enough to handle this... ugh....

ok..

2005-11-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

ok no treatment mom got sick had to go the er last night left at 830 pm dint get home till 5 am she has a cyst on her oveiry (sp really bad) today she went to get the ultrasound fri she see the doc. i hope everything goes ok but i flipped out she threw a big ass ring in my plan.. i hate it oh how i hate to mess up my plan... so mom resegualed it for monday...so we are gonna go threw the whole spill about the tretment again... god... i hate ms i really do..

2005-11-08T16:37:00.000-08:00

hello well tomarrow ill get my 2end novantrone treatment.. yay... and im scard shitless... i hate it!!!! i dont want it i wanna run as fast and as far away as i can but like mom said no matter were i go the ms will follow.... :"( so i wish there was it least one damn place that i could hide and cry away from "ms" ugh guys how am i gonna dea with this for the rest of my life??? god i dont know if i can guys.. i really dont know .. i feel like im letting ms win the game the game of my life.. i cant do that i can never do that.... ugh fustration...

UGH!!!!!

2005-11-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

OK TODAY IS IM GOING TO THE OBGYN.....1ST PAP....IM FLIPPING OUT ..... HELP ME...I DONT GET IT I DONT UNDERSTAND Y I OBSES ABOUT STUPID SHIT... IM SO STRESSED ABOUT THIS IM SHAKING...UGH!!!! I HATE THIS OMG.... MY HEAD HURTS... OK GOTTA CALM DOWN BREATH.... IN THREW THE NOSE OUT THREW THE MOUTH ....

here we go..

2005-11-04T16:55:00.000-08:00

HEY ALL IM GETTING SETLED DOWN TRYING TO CHILL OUT AND GET READY TO BE SICKERR THAN SNOT.. CANT YOU TELL IM SO LOOKING FOWARD TO THIS TREATMENT LOL.... I AM IN WAYS JUST DONT WANT THE NASTY SIDE EFECTS.... WELL WE WILL SEE RIGHT?? AND IM VERY TIERD .. ALWAYS... AND I CANT THINK RIGHT MY HEAD ALWAYS HURT AND I CANT CONCENTRATE ON ANYTHING FOR MORE THAN LIKE 3 MIN. SO THERES THE UPDATE ON MY LIFE IM SCARED OF THE TREATMENT AND I CANT THINK LOL WHAT A COMBO..

Happy halloween!!!

2005-10-31T20:48:00.000-08:00

well i hope everyones had a great halloween... i had an ok one well at moms the t or t at diffeant times so the cops only have like 1/4 of the town to watch than it all so moms part was thurs. so really it was a normal day... it was like la day da... lol but sry i havent wroter in a few been kinda just chillin i guess.... thought id update ya ll on my ms tho... it isnt that bad ! but my lips and lower part of my left arm has been numb all day! my balance is off also..... but im ok mom seems to think its my body saying that i need my fix! navantrone fix that is lol.

AT MOMS! UGH!!

2005-10-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

OK OK I HAVE BEEN AT MOMS LESS THAN 1 WEEK .....AND FEEL LIKE A DIRTY LITTLE SLUT... PLUS I HURT EVERYWHERE..YESTERDAY I "HOOKED UP" WITH ONE OF JESSES FRIEND WHO WAS LOOKING FOR A BUDDY AS I WAS... IT WAS GOOD OR WELL YEA EXPECIALLY SENCE I HAVENT HAD ANY SENCE FEB. OH WELL NOW I HURT EVERYWHERE... ITS COLD HERE AND IM TIERD.. AND ITS COLD HERE :( I HURT EVERYWHERE CANT MOVE WITH OUT HURTING... OH WELL WELCOME TO MS IN THE WINTER RIGHT??? TAKE CARE ALL...

omg!

2005-10-22T11:15:00.000-07:00

OMG I HATE IT I DONT THINK IM GOING TO BE ABLE O DO THIS!!!! I DONT WANNA LEAVE AT ALL! I WANNA STAY EVEN IF SHE DONT TALK TO ME THE KIDSI MISSEM ALREADY And im still at nana's when kelly dropped me off we hugged at both ofd is were balling!!! i dont wanna go!!! im so sad!!! hopefully it will get better!

getting ready .. to leave :(

2005-10-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

Ok well I finally got enough "guts" to give her the letter no response tho oh well it least I gave it to her right? (Pat on the back) I don’t know its weird I feel like "unwanted" like I know "dad" wants me here and the kids love me but she don’t show anything like she don’t care if im here or not ..... and it’s hard on me cuz when im here im usually with her all the time most times... I don’t know I guess we will have to see .... maybe my letter was like a what ever to her or something I know she has A LOT on her mind!!!! oh well but other than that my eye is still a little swollen and im packing to go to moms I cry a lot now... I don’t know how much I can handle.... it’s sad I sometimes consider ya’ll (my ms internet friends) a lot closer than those I love so much... oh well right life must go on...
Next day 10/20/05
Ok here we go... I leave in 2 days and my damn brain is making me nuts.... my best friend don’t show any emotion at all... im beginning to think that she don’t want me here... witch I don’t really think is true but I would like some re assurance ya know? Help??? my head is making me so fucked up she don’t talk and don’t wanna hear about me and my ms .. Her dad says its cuz she feels bad about it and blocks it out but if im willing to talk about it y cant she be??? oh my.... I think I might try to talk to her when she gets home? What cha think? But I think Wendy will be here and I don’t wanna be mean.. Maybe I can just say I need to talk to you I don’t know!!! ill write more later.. Take care ...be careful...."B"
10/21/05
ok I leave to go back tomorrow.... I desided not to talk with kelly so I guess we will just leave it where it is!!

here we go

2005-10-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

Hey ok here we go.... 1 week till I go back to moms.... today I went to nanas till kelly got off work well I got there was fine till I got online sat down in pop pop’s chair and got all stuffy and my right eye started to swell they put doggy perfume on the damn dogs took two benadrill and had pop pop bring me home.. Fine now eye still swollen a little bit but other than that and the fact that I feel like I have no energy at all... and my head feels like its going to explode... I guess im ok lol... hope ya’lls day is going better than mine lol.. Take care......
Later:
Ok im sitting here balling my damn eyes out..... I wrote well typed my "best" friend/sister/room mate a letter to tell her how I feel like we don’t talk about nothing but "old" times im scared to give it to her I would die if this friend dropped me like others have ... im so scared aextious to give it to her afraid of what her response to it will be it’s like 11:30 pm and im really tiered cant sleep tho I have to give it to her tomorrow tho cuz I leave sat. and she works Thurs. and Friday night.. So I have to I want her to get me to understand me my ms and the way my life is right now...wish me luck right???

10 /12 threw 10 /16 2005

2005-10-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

(10/16?/05) OK guys I leave "home" next sat. to get the next treatment of nav. Ugh .... so im sry that my post have been really down lately.... but thats me I guess.... I go back and re read em b4 I post em and it takes a lot for me not to delete it and write something happy and post that so people don’t think im nuts... or anything.... while take care

(10/12?/05)
I think it’s the 12 th lol... ok. Its like 2:30 in the afternoon and im sitting here outside
Hollie’s therapy typing to my blog... lol what a sad ass life lol...im so sad guys... I don’t know if I can bounce back and forth its killing me mentally im so sad that I have to leave that im trying to not be but I am being a bitch to those who I love and want to be home with.... im so sad!! Ugh I hate this I hate having to bounce like as soon as I get used to being home I have to bounce back to moms.. I love it here.... I wanna be home!!! but!!!! I know that I want my mom there when I get these treatments so im split!!! I also feel like my "best" friend like don’t know what to say to me any more.. Makes me crazy living in a house with her and having her just not talk cuz she’s scared I guess... I wrote her a letter well email she hasn’t looked at it yet tho that’s the best way for me to talk is threw writing (if you haven’t noticed) her to she "talks" deep shit better threw writing it out.... its hard tho she’s busy all day everyday with Hollie and Andrew.... were she should be ...so hopefully its just me thinking that she’s not wanting to talk to me I guess I don’t know...oh well it would kill me to have to let this friendship go cuz the ms is to much for her....I would die for real then I would leave and stay at moms...... maybe I sould ask her? I don’t think im depending on her for anything to do with my ms besides money for food but sometimes I buys them dinner like with my b day $ I wanted kfc so I got the whole family kfc.... hopefully im blowing it way, way out of portion my mom thinks I need an anitdepresent... what cha think ?

sry guys!!!

2005-10-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

(10/03/05) Hey ok I had a good night on sat. to celebrate my 21st b day got tipsy had a good night still hurting from it tho but not as bad as others told me I might... so its all good..... now im all sad cuz everyday that goes by its closer to me having to leave :( I don’t wanna go back to mom’s I feel like I have no home feel like when im here everyone treats me like im visiting and when I go to moms I cant get close to anyone cuz I don’t wanna.... I just wish I had a place to call home I wish that I could stay in one place.... don’t get me wroung I want to be with mom when I have my chemo. treatment that shit is scary and makes me sick for like 2 weeks...... but I just wish I didnt have to go so far away from what I call home ....its sad cuz I call were im at now home but the people that I live with just concider me to be "visiting" makes me feel like an unwanted outsider don’t know why it just does. I feel like I have nothing to talk with my "best" friend but past things cuz she don’t know what to say about my ms and I don’t know what to say to her about all that she has to do and go threw.... I try but its like she don’t wanna talk to me... I wish she would tho it would make me feel like Im here trying to be the friend that she needs .. Ya know I don’t know so if yall do maybe ya can help me out lol... im all confused and sad and uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh..... I told my mom today that I just wanna give up all together say fuck it....(I wont but I feel like doing it) well my head hurts so..... night

(10/05/05) Ok I went to a house with internet tonight and tried to get to the dashboard so I could post my last post but something was wrong with the site... so im sry... ill try again next time...
Anyway, I haven’t been having the "greatest" of days but they have been ok I guess. Im getting sadder as each day passes mom thinks I need to talk to my pcp here about putting me on some antidepressants I don’t know I just feel like me and my friend have nothing to talk about cuz she don’t know what to say and I try but all I get is a blank stare frustrating at times but I love her I guess I either got to say nothing or keep trying to pull conversation out of her it’s all frustrating. I know shes got a lot on her mind any maybe she just don’t need me on it to ya know? Oh well but like mom said it’s prob just me! Ugh damn these wholes in my brain lol !!!! ok well night ...

Party day!

2005-10-01T11:55:00.000-07:00

Hey today is party day ... im so looking foward to it ... im ready to get it all done and over with ... ready for tomarrow.. already that shows you how much im into partying huh? i guess im to ready for it . is that possiable i dont know ill write tomarrow maybe lol take care all have a great night... i know ill try to...

sad day.....

2005-09-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

Oh my god im riding down the road and having the feeling that im so alone in this world.... I don’t know y.. its crazy I hate this I wanna be happy im home but I don’t even know where to call home anymore . I bounce from place to place so offten that I feel like I have no home.... I feel like when I want to get into a deep convo. about ms my "friends" don’t know what to say so there ready to change the subject.. So I don’t bring it up anymore. Im so sad and really have no reason to be sad. Help!!! I could cry at any moment! Oh well right life shall go on sad unhappy or not right? Uuuggghhh.... and my 21st b day party is tomarrow and all I wanna do is cry! Does this mean im depresed ? Or does it mean im just human and have ms and its fucking with my head????? oh well life shall move on ....................
LATER ON :
ya know I love my friends to death!!! but omg I don’t know what it is but I have this bla feeling like im a tossable person to them.... makes me upset...... I know or I think they love me .... if not they put up with me anyway right? Well I am going to go to bed now I have a long day tomarrow. We are having my drinking party tomarrow night... hopefully ill be ok... please keep your fingers crossed!!! Well take care guys....

oh my !!!

2005-09-29T09:51:00.000-07:00

OH MY NOW WHAT? I HAVE NO LIFE AT ALL.. IM 21 NOW FEEL NO OLDER THANK GOD CUZ I ALREADY FEEL LIKE IM 60 LOL... THAT ONE GUY I WAS TALKING ABOUT HE GOT MAD AT ME CUZ I WAS FLIRTING WITH ANOTHER GUY AND HASNT BEEN BACK I THINK I GAVE HIM THE WROUNG IMPRESSION BUT I DID STRAIGHT UP TELL HIM I DIDNT NEED A REALTIONSHIP TILL HE GOT HIS SHIT TOGETHER.... ANYWAY HAVE A GOOD ONE YA'LL

HAPPY B DAY TO ME !!!!!!!

2005-09-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

9/27/05
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! YAE IM SO HAPPY THAT ITS ALL OVER!!!! WELL FOR THOSE WONDERING ABOUT THE GUY I WAS TALKING ABOUT : THATS IS NOTHING NEVER STASRTED SO NOTHING TO END RIGHT? HE WANTS TO GROW UP BUT HIS SCTIONS DONT SAY SO! SO I HAVE TO GO TAKE CARE !!!

(9/25/05)

Hey ok im sitting at home its like 11:40 pm and I cant sleep ugh!!! I talked to Wendy for an hour trying to stay up and upstairs to talk to mom who don’t get off work till 12 am. But im not sleepy... what a suprise everyone else is asleep kelly and jon and the kids... so its like ugh nothing to do noone to talk with well I guess ill try to go back to bed take care all....
(9/26/05)
Hey all what’s up? God im so damn bored its not even funny.. I am sitting here watching and lisening to Kelly and Wendy play with the kids while Jon cooks dinner... what a life right lol. My left hip has been killing me all day.. Hurts badly.. Nothing helps. Ugh!! MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!!! Yea! It will prob. Be nothing that I thought it would be... lol oh well right? I know I have to be up at or around 9 am!! I was thinking of setting the alarm clock but now im kinda like fuck it oh well ya know....I hate the feeling of feeling left out and alone . Ugh I really hate it!!! well dinner is almost done ill right tomarrow to tell ya how it went it will prob be nothing at all like I think its gonna be.... take care. Untill next time....

ALL SMILES??

2005-09-25T12:32:00.000-07:00

IM GOING TO PUT THIS QUESTION OUT THERE TO THOSE WHO DO READ THIS BLOG LOL IF THERE ARE ANY I KNOW MY LIFE IS REALLY BORING!! LOL

OK WHAT MAKES ALL YALL SMILE???
MY FRIENDS MAKE ME SMILE MORE THAN THAT MY BEST FRIENDS KIDS MAKE ME SMILE THE MOST!!! I LOVE EM TO DEATH!!! MY MOM MAKES ME SMILE AND LAUGH AS MUCH AS SHE CAN... NANA IS FUNNY LOL SHE MAKES ME SMILE I THINK EVERYONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME MAKE ME SMILE AND KEEP ME SANE DOWN TO EARTH YA KNOW.... WELL TAKE CARE!

venting!!!!!

2005-09-24T02:08:00.000-07:00

god damn it! i was having an ok day till nana started talking about my case about ssi and ssdi uuuugggghhhh!!! ya know im fed up with it all i hate nero's lawyers with all of 'em. im trying guys i hate it i so wish for like 1 mo. my old nero's and the people that keep dening me could take my ms for just 1 mo then i would take it back let them see how much hell they are putting me threw for a little while!! well thanks i just needed a vent time ..

ALMOST HERE!!!

2005-09-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

WELL MY 21ST B DAY IS THE 27TH (TUESDAY) AND IM PLANNING ON GETTING "MESSED" UP!!!! WE ARE PLANNING ON HAVING A LITTLE GET TOGETHER OF LIKE 6 TO 9 PEOPLE LOL THATS SAD WHEN I COUNT IT OUT LIKE THAT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE..... OH WELL WE ARE HAVING JELLO SOOTERS BEER SWEET TARTS( A DRINK MADE WITH VODKA) I DONT DRINK BEER THATS FOR THOSE WHO DONT WANT MIXED DRINKS.. ANYWAY ABOUT THE BOY OK IT WAS FUNNY CUZ THE SAME DAY I TOLD MY BEST FRIEND HE CAME OVER TO THE HOUSE AND THE BALL IS ROLLING ... THE ONLY PROB. WE TALKED AND BOTH DESIDED THAT WHAT EVER HAPPENS HAPPENS I ALSO TOLD HIM THAT IF IT GOT TO THE POINT THAT I WANTED TO TAKE IT TO THE "SLEEPING" TOGETHER HE HAS TO GET THE WHOLE STD TEST ALL OF EM . CUZ AROUND THE TOWN HERPIS IS GOING AROUND LIKE HOT FIRE HE SAID IF I WANTED HIM TO IF IT GOT THERE HE WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM DOING SO.....SO WE WILL SEE BUT THATS FOR WHO EVER I DESIDED TO GET WITH...NOT JUST HIM AND NOT JUST CUZ HES FROM THIS TOWN ITS FOR ANYONE.. BUT WE WILL SEE HES GOING TO BE AT THE HOUSE FOR MY "GET TOGETHER" SO IVE ALREADY NAMED MY SLEEPING PARTNER ( A FRIEND WENDY) JUST INCASE!!! WELL TTYL!!

IM 20 YR OLD I NEED A LIFE!!!

2005-09-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

(9/20/05)
Hey how goes it??? well ok lets see... im just been sitting around being bored... heres how it is im so crushing on this one boy well guy around town he knows me he used to come around the house long time ago but he and his (then ) girl friend dissed us at the house and we didnt talk for a long time then he came up to the house one night and apallowgized to us all one by one... he has had a bad childhood like wise... he is a pot head but lately who isnt he came up to the house the other night talking like he had to stop cuz he was going to get a job for 12:50 an hr. and round here thats good I don’t know I have to run it by my best friend cuz she is my only ride anywhere so I wrote he a letter tonight we will see how that goes.. I just need someone for me and only me to talk without it getting everywhere. And to and have fun with not a drug thing but just fun in general!! (mom if your reading lol) ill let ya know how it goes.

(9/21/05)
ok I have informed my best friend that #1 im not going to let ms run my life anymore damnit im 21 yr old I need to have fun!! And #2 that im crushing on this guy that lives in town I didnt ask her if I should I told her I was !!! im living for me not anyone else!!! not that I lived for her to begin with I just wanted her blessing with it but she hasnt said anything about it so its ok im going for it ... next time I see him im asking him if he wants to come to the house and chill out or something f**k all this being alone for my life!!!! ill keep you all informed ! My ms is doing fine now(keep your fingers crossed) not fine but the best ill prob ever be ok I can deal with this I guess!! Well take care.

2005-09-18T00:06:00.000-07:00

OK HI ALL IT IS 1158 ON A SAT. NIGHT AND IM SO SAD AND LONELY!! I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LESSION TO ME HOLD ME AND GIVE ME A KISS EVERY NOW AND THEN... I FEEL LIKE ILL BE ALONE FOR EVER... CUZ IM ALWAYS BOUNCING FROM ONE PLACE TO ANOTHER... I JUST WANT TO STOP STAY HOME LIVE A NORMAL LIFE DAMNIT!!! WHY ME? I WANT A BOYFRIEND WHO WONT LEAVE ME STRANDED WHO WILL LOVE ME NO MATTER MY MS CRAP I THINK I LET MS CONTROL ME I NOW DONT KNOW HOW NOT TO LET IT... EVERYTHING I DO HOW IT WILL EFFECT MY MS IS ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD....UGH!!! WELL TY JUST WANTED TO VENT A LITTLE... TAKE CARE ...

update again a weird week

2005-09-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

WHAT A WEEK... WE WERE SOPOSTO GET A HURRICANE (OPHELIA) TODAY WE DIDNT GET ANYTHING IT WAS NUTS PEOPLE WERE GOING NUTS CUZ OF THE RECENT HURRICANE THAT THEY FUCKED UP WITH DOWN SOUTH (THE GOLF COAST) WHEN WHAT THEY SOULD OF DONE WAS BE THERE FOR THEM MAKE’S ME MAD NEXT SUBJECT....WE HAD SOME WIND NO RAIN IT HAS FELT GOOD OUTSIDE THOUGH. MADE ME MAD BECAUSE IT MADE ME HURT WORSE THAN USUAL BUT DID NOTHING. I DON’T KNOW WHY I ALWAYS SEEM TO HURT WORSE WHEN THE WEATHER IS MESSED UP.... I AM KINDA SAD ALSO I HAVE NOTICED IM STARTING TO LOSE MORE HAIR WHEN I BRUSH IT SOMETIMES IT JUST FALLS OUT WHEN I RUN MY HANDS THROUGH IT BUT IM THE ONLY ONE WHOS NOTICED SO FAR AND MY PERIOD WAS A JOKE THIS MO. I BLEED FOR MAYBE ½ A DAY NOT THAT IM MAD ABOUT THAT IT’S JUST THAT IT SCARES ME CUZ I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE KIDS .. I KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW AS I AM I DON’T WANT ANY. BUT ITS DIFFERANT TO SAY I DON’T WANT KIDS AND I CANT HAVE KIDS YA KNOW? WELL GOING TO BED.... ILL POST TOMARROW(9/16/05)

SEPT. 11......(A POST NOT REALTED TO MS RELATED TO LIFE)

2005-09-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

YOU KNOW I GOT REALLY PISSED WHEN I WOKE UP THIS AM AND WAS EXPECTING TO HAVE SOMTHING ON THE FRONT PAGE ABOUT SEPT 11 OF THE LOCAL PAPER... BUT THER WASNT ANYTHING TILL THE 2END TO LAST PAGE AND IT WAS A LITTLE SMALL PEICE ... WTF? PISSED ME OFF..... I MEAN YEA I RELIZE KATRAINA IS BIG BUT TO ME JUST BECAUSE SEPT WAS SO FAR AWAY DONT MAKE IT LESS WORTH WRITING ABOUT YA KNOW??? I DONT KNOW IT JUST HIT A NERVE YA KNOW? WELL I GUESS IM DONE VENTING ..........

HEY!

2005-09-10T13:22:00.000-07:00

HEY ALL IM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THIS BLOG THING LOL I KNOW IM SLOW... ANYWAY MY EYES ARE FEELING A LITTLE BETTER. THATS GREAT CUZ IT WAS DRIVING ME NUTS LOL. MY FRIEND GETS OFF WORK AT 3 AND ITS 130 LOL IM SO DRAGGINF MY ASS. I HAVE BEEN SO SLOW ALL DAY. I HAVE ALSO BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MY MOM AND GRANDPARENTS AND FIENDS ARE TRYING TO PLAN FOR MY B DAY ( SEPT. 27) I HAVE 17 MORE DAYS LOL I KNOW IT WILL BE BIG CUZ OF WHAT SHE DID FOR MY SISTER LOL WELL OTHER THAN THAT IT IS BEING A LAZY NO GOOD DAY BORING IM OK WALKING IS STILL OFF BUT IT MIGHT ALWAYS BE OFF MY EYES HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE BETTER I STILL GET BAD HEAD ACHES THO I TAKE IBPROFIN LOL EVEN THO THATS A JOKE MOST THE TIME LOL... WELL TAKE

update

2005-09-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

9/07/05)
HEY ALL.. HOW GOES IT? IM OK MY HEAD HAS BEEN HURTING.. THE PAIN IN MY EYES IS ABOUT TO DRIVE ME NUTS..NO MATTER WHAT I DO ITS STILL THERE 24/7 PROB STILL WHILE IM SLEEPING THEY HURT FROM THE TIME I GET UP TILL THE TIME I GO TO BED.. UUGGHHH!!! ANYWAY.. THE KIDS ARE SO ADORABLE...I MISSED THEM SOOO MUCH ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY.... I FEEL HELPLESS CUZ *BONNIE* HAS TO TAKE CARE OF 2 KIDS DURING THE WEEK ITS LIKE SHE HAS TWINS.. CUZ *JENI’S* CP.. SHE SLOWER.. IT RUNS HER RAGGED. SHE’S BUSY ALL WEEK WITH JENIS THRYPY ONE DAY A WEEK MAYBE SHE HAS OFF THAT’S IF *LEE* AND HER AIN’T GOT ANY APPT. I FEEL SO BAD SO HELP LESS.... THEN I FEEL SO BAD FOR THE HURRICANE VICTIMS IT MAKES ME MAD/SAD I WOULD PROB. BE DEAD IF I GOT BAD I WOULD OF ASKED SOMEONE TO SHOT ME OR ID DO MY DAMNEDS’T TO KILL MY SELF I KNOW IT MIGHT SOUND BAD BUT JUST SIT BACK AND THINK WHAT WOULD YOU OF DONE??? NO MED.S NO AC NO NUTHIN!! ID BE DEAD! ANYWAY IM GOING TO BED NITE!! ILL POST THIS TOMORROW ..TAKE CARE...

LA LA LA

2005-09-02T18:43:00.000-07:00

(9/01/05)
HEY ALL HOW GOES IT? IM OK IT IS HOT HERE (NC) WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK ABOUT THE HURRICANE? I THINK ITS SO SAD I FEEL FOR ALL THOSE PEOPLE. MY EYES HAVE BEEN GIVING ME A LITTLE TROUBLE.. THEY JUST HURT BADLY OTHER THAN THAT IM FINE THE KIDS ARE GREAT :) SO CUTIE I DIDN’T RELIZE HOW MUCH I REALLY DID MESS THEM UNTILL I GOT BACK HOME .. WELL I WILL POST THIS NEXT TIME I GET ONLINE JUST LETTING ALL KNOW IM STILL HERE AND EVERYTHING IS GOING GREAT... TAKE CARE...

HI YA ....

2005-08-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

(8/26/04)Hey I have arived at home(Camden CO. NC.) we got here Monday(8/22/04) im so happy to be home I love it here! The kids are great. I missed them so much. Mom and Jess left yesterday and got home late last night. I missed mom already. I don’t know what im going to do without her. Think positive right?
I am writing this at home on my laptop ill post it tomorrow when im at nana’s. I don’t even know how many people look at this but I figured I best post just incase some one looks at my site (lol) I miss my online friends so much I love you guys yall just don’t know!! Well take care....... ill post more later on.....

IM HOME!!

2005-08-22T19:23:00.000-07:00

HEY I MADE IT HOME!! PLAYED WITH THE KIDS WHO ARE SO CUTE AND PERFICT... TALKED TO KELLY HAD DINNER WITH NANA AND MOM IM SO TIERD BEEN ASLEEP SENCE 330 AM!! CRAZY WELL ILL TTYL B

ok here we go!

2005-08-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

OK IM GOING TO LEAVE ON MONDAY... :( IM SO HAPPY TO GO HOME!! BUT IM GOING TO MISS MOM. I AM USED TO BEING HERE(MOMS) SO IT WILL TAKE ME A LITTLEWHILE TO GET USED TO THE SWING OF THINGS BACK AT HOME BUT I THINK I WILL GET IT... ILL BE COMING BACK UP HERE EVERY 3 MO FOR MY NAVANTRONE TRETMENT. BUT I DONT HAVE INTERNET AT HOME SO ILL STILL BE POSTING FOR THOSE WHO READ IF ANYONE READS LOL BUT ONLY WHEN I CAN LIKE WHEN I GO TO NANAS OR SOMTHING.

OH WEDNESDAY....

2005-08-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD... ITS SO HARD TO BLEVIE THAT ILL BE HOME IN AFEW DAYS. CRAZY BUT I DONT KNOW IF I WANNA STAY HOME. I THINK ILL TRY IT FOR 1 MOUNTH IF I WANNA COME BACK THEN I WILL. ITS SO SCARRY ILL BE THERE NO MOM TO LEARB ON ITS SCARRY I HATE IT BUT IM A BIG GIRL!!! AND IT IS NOT AT ALL THAT I DONT WANT TO SEE MY "FAMILY" IN NC I DONT KNOW I FEEL LIKE THE DAYS KEEP COMING AND GOIG SO DAMN FAST. I MISS MY BEST FRIENDS KIDS THE MOST I LOVE THE REST OF EM I JUST FEEL LIKE IVE MESSED SO MUCH YA KNOW ....

TUESDAY.....

2005-08-16T12:07:00.000-07:00

HI GUYS..... HOW GOES IT? IM OK I GUESS, IM SAD A LITTLE TIERD BUT OVER ALL IM OK... I WANT TO GO HOME ITS JUST SO WORRIED THAT ILL GET THERE AND WANNA COME BACK TO MOM UGH OH WELL... I GUESS ILL JUST HAVE TO SEE. I HAVE TO GO SEE MY "FAMILY" I MISS THE GOD KIDS THE MOST... WELL I NEED TO GET MOVING

sunday....

2005-08-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

hello, its sad u know it sad that i just woke up and im still sleepy. ugh .i am still trying to get used to my new glasses (bifocals :( ) there ok untill i try to go up or down steps then its kinda funky... i have noticed that i can read better. lol. next week mon. (the 22) im sposto be going hom,e untill my next navantrone treatment. i wanna go i just dont wanna be away from mom we will see i guess. hopefully it will be just fine im also dreading it being so damn hot yucky hot.... ive told mom that she spoling me being up here it gets warm but on most days when they say it will be 90 its 90 not 90 and feels like 110 cuz at home the damn humity is nuts 100% humity like all the time im dreading that part...

2005-08-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

HI SORRY I HAVENT BEEN KEEPING UP LIKE I SHOULD IVE JUST BEEN VEGING FEELING LIKE SHIT . IN MY OWN WORLD GOT TO GO TOMARROW TO GET MY NEW GLASSES LOL WHAT JOY I DONT WANNA EAT EVERY TIME I EAT IT MAKS ME FEEL WORSE SO IM NOT EATTING LIKE I SHOULD. MOMS DOWN MY BACK ABOUT THAT UGH OH WELL I TELL HER "YOU GO HAVE CHEMO AND THEN TELL ME IF U WANNA EAT " LOL WELL I JUST WANTED TO KEEP ALL YALL WHO EVER POSTED LOL.

2005-08-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

OK I GOT THE NAVANTRONE AND NOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT! GOOD THING I HAVENT THROWN UP! FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO BUT HAVENT I HATE THIS FEELING I FEEL LIKE AS IF I HAVE A BAD COLD. THE NAVANTRONE WAS A LITTLE BAG OF BLUE(LOOKED LIKE BLUE FOOD COLORING) MED. THE NURCE WAS VERY NICE MOM WAS THERE AND WHEN WE WENT IN I WAS TALKING AND FELT EXCITED THAT IT WAS FINNALLY HERE 1/2 WAY THREW THE BAG I GOT A HEAD ACHE AND STARTED TO FEEL BLAH STOPPED TALKING SO MUCH NOW I STILL FEEL YUCKY BUT IM GLAD THAT IM HOME.. I STILL FEEL SICK BUT IM HOME AND ITS OVER WITH. IM PEEING GREEN! LOL I THOUGHT THAT WAS COOL AND THE WHITES OF MY EYES MIGHT TURN BLUEISH GREEN COLLOR. WELL IM GOING TO LAY DOWN

2005-08-07T11:52:00.000-07:00

OK ONE MORE DAY. TODAY . TOMARROWS THE DAY. IM TRYING SO HARD TO NOT THINK ABOUT IT. TRYING HARD BUT JUST SITTIN HERE BORED OUT OF MY MIND THATS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW THE NAVANTRONE GOING TO LIKE MY BODY OR NO BETTER YET HOWS MY BODY GOING TO LIKE THE NAVANTRONE.UGH. ONE MORE DAY YOU KNOW I REMEMBERED SOMTHING YESTERDAY WELL LAST NIGHT TOMARROW( AUG 8TH) IS 1YR SENCE THE LAST TIME THEY AMMITED ME INTO THE HOS. AFTER THAT THEY GAVE ME IV STAROIDS OUTPATICENT SO MANY TIMES HAD TO LEAVE THE IV IN CUZ IM A HARD STICK SO ID COME HOME WITH THE IV STILL .... SO TODAY AFTER JESS GETS HOME WE ARE GOING SOMEWHERE. SHE CANT COME WITH ME TOMARROW SHE HAS TO WORK AT 5 AND THERE IS NO GARANTEE WE WILL BE HOME BY THEN. SO ME AND HER ARE GOING OUT. PROB FOR ICE CREAM OR SOMTHING.BUT IT LEAST ILL GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. GET MY MIND OFF OF IT MAYBE FOR A LITTLE WHILE ILL WRITE MORE PROB. TUES DEPENDS ON HOW I FEEL. TAKE CARE!

SATURDAYS SUCK!

2005-08-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

OK ITS SATURDAY AND NOTHING TO DO LIKE ALWAYS... GOT MONDAY WAYING ON MY MIND IM TRYING NOT TO "LET" IT BOTHER ME . BUT WHAT NOONE SEEMS TO REALIZE IS EVEN THO IF I DONT ACT LIKE IM THINKING ABOUT IT I AM IM SCARRED I DONT KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT AND ITS SCARY! DAMN I WANT IT TO JUST BE DONE IT'S SAD BUT IM STILL KINDA WAITING TO WAKE UP AND FIND THAT THE LAST YR AWS JUST A REALLY BAD DEAM. BUT I KNOW IT WONT HAPPEN. OH WELL

:( another sad lonely weekend approches!

2005-08-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

as i set here and await the wekend i also have thoughts of what monday will bring. im really scared. i guess its the uncertninty of the whole navantrone thing..... my best friends daughter's 2end birthday is monday (the 8th) im sad that im going to miss that but happy that maybe, hopefully, no fuck that WILL BE going home on the 22end. i miss home so much im trying to get home asap! but i also realize i need to take care of myself 1st. its sad but i know its true!

EYE DOCTOR DAY

2005-08-03T12:59:00.000-07:00

I WENT TO THE EYE DOC TODAY MY EYES HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE WORSE IN THE PAST YR. WHAT HASNT GOTTEN WORSE IN THE PAST YR. BUT I NEED BIFOCALS :( IT SUCKS! IM SO SAD CUZ IM ONLY 20 YR OLD AND HAVE TO HAVE BIFOCALS...IT MAKES ME SO SAD...JUST THOUGHT ID SHARE MY LOVELY DAY AT THE EYE DOCTOR. UGH!!! TAKE CARE

got the phone call..........

2005-08-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

ok the doctor called and im to start navantrone on monday aug 8th(god daughters 2end bday) im glad that we finnally got the show on the road but im also very scared not noing what to expect.. just dont know. i so wanna go home i feel so bad cux im not there and i know that the sooner i get the navantrine the sooner i go home...

DAMN DOCTORS OFFICE....

2005-08-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

WELL I WAITED TILL 5 BEFORE I POSTED TODAY BECAUSE WE(MOM LOL) CALLED THE DOCTORS OFFICE THIS MORNING ABOUT THE NAVANTRONE TREATMENT AND YUP U GUESSED IT SHE WAS TOLD THAT THEYD CALL BACK AND NOTHING UGHHHH IM PISSED ABOUT THAT! WHATS THE DEAL Y CANT THEY JUST CALL W T F IS THE PROB HOW HARD IS IT TO PICK UP A PHONE? I WANNA BE ABLE TO GO HOME AT THE END OF AUG FOR A LITTLE WHILE UGH! MY BACK HURTS LIKE CRAZY AND IM MAD! GOOD THING THO MOM HAS GOTTEN ME A LAPTOP JUST LIKE JESSIES LAPTOP CAME TONIGHT ITS 4 MY BIRTHDAY 9/27 YEA EARLY BUT I LOVE IT NOW I DONT HAVE TO SIT IN THE CHAIR THAT MAKES MY BACK WORSE. LOL SO I LOVE IT! ITS GOT TO CHARGE THO SO IN THE F'ING CHAIR I GO FOR ONE MORE NIGHT!

MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT IT BEING SUNDAY

2005-07-31T13:12:00.000-07:00

WELL TODAY IS SUNDAY, I NORMALLY LOVE SUNDAY'S HATE FRIDAY'S. I KNOW I WEIRD LOL I HATE FRIDAY'S CUZ MOM WORKS ALL WEEKEND AND LIKE SUNDAY'S CUZ ITS HER LAST DAY OF WORK FOR THE WEEK. BUT THIS SUNDAY IS DIFFERENT IM ON EDGE BECAUSE WE CALL THE HOPKINS DR. TOMORROW TO SEE WHEN I START NAVANTRONE. ON ONE SIDE I WANT IT TO COME SO I CAN GET THE 1ST DOSE OVER WITH AND GO HOME TO SEE MY GOD SON AND DAUGHTER BEST FRIEND AND HER DAD, HER BOY FRIEND(I CONSIDER MY BROTHER) AND HER SISTER ASHLEY( MY OTHER LITTLE SISTER) WHO I LIVE WITH ALL OF. I MISS 'EM LIKE CRAZY BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES JUST THINK ING ABOUT IT.BUT I'M ALSO SCARED OF THE NAVANTRONE TO IT IS CHEMO BUT I JUST WANT SOMTHING TO HELP ME THATS WHAT I HAVE TO KEEP TELLING MY SELF. ITS SO HARD THO TO GO THREW THIS "ALONE" WITH NO ONE TO SUPPORT ME . BOY FRIEND WISE OH WELL I NEED TO CONCENTRATE ON ME! NO ONE ELSE . I JUST FEEL CHEATED VERY CHEATED AND SAD SO ILL CALL TODAY SAD SUNDAY

Another boring Saturday.

2005-07-30T04:34:00.000-07:00

Just thought id come in to drop a line or two.. i know its sad that a 20 year old doesn't having anything better to do sadly i know. this mourning i woke up with bad pain in my sholder(left) and i was still tierd and i hant gotten out of bed yet but i had to push myself to get up anyway even tho i just wanted to lay there . i have taken my morn. meds and im awaiting to see what the day will bring lol nothing but read well listing to my book and talking online at hhtp://www.mswatch.com i love it there! meet some great people. well i did get out of the house today i went shoe shopping with my step dad yay fun fun fun lol i hate to go out sometimes , little kids and "bigkids" are staring because they just saw me get out of the car fine now im in a wheelchair(wc) what they dont get is that if i still want to be able to walk around the house then that means wc while out. the dont ask y they just stare and i think i would rather them stare at me cuz im in a wc then stare at me trying to walk(looking like im drunk)

Hi Everyone!

2005-07-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

Hello,
My name is Brandi and I wanted to start a place for me and others to vent, cry, and be mad but also be happy and share our joyous occasions.

I am going to start off with what I have been through in the last year. In March of 2004 I started to feel right arm numbness (pins and needles feeling). I thought it would go away, but it didn't. After a month, my mother told me that I needed to go see a doctor. So I went to my great family physician and he gave me a physical, then sent me to the hospital to have an MRI to make sure that it was not a tumor. After the first MRI, he came into my room, sat on my bed (He and I are very close. He has known me since I was little -- I was a flower girl in his wedding.) and proceeded to tell me that it could be one of two things: MS or "Disseminating Encephilomylitis." He said that he needed to order another MRI of my C -Spine. I got so bad that the whole right side of my body didn't want to move.

I had HUGE doses of Solumedrol (2 grams a day IV) as well as 5 days worth of IVIG, Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy. My mother, who lives in PA, came down. She is an RN and knows the medical terms and can explain it to the rest of my family and friends, who were very worried. She also comforted me through the lumbar puncture and the stresses of not knowing.

I was finally diagnosed with a sure diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis on April 27th of 2004. When the doctor told me, I remember sitting there quietly thinking, "Oh my God, what am I going to do now?" I walked out of the office and sat in my grandfathers car. He was the first person that I told. I love my grandfather, but he is not the best one to comfort you in stressful situations!

After that, I had to go back in the hospital in June for another relapse (while on Rebif) for another weeks of Solumedol, IVIG and a comfortable stay in a comfortable bed! Then I started getting all these bruises all over the place. My mother, the RN, asked the MD for a liver profile. Sure enough... My enzymes where sky high! So... no more Rebif and off to Hopkins I go.

In July, the neurologist at Hopkins recommended Copaxone and told me that I "would most likely be back to work by fall." HA! After that, another relapse came in August, more Solumedrol, hold the IVIG please. Next was October, more Solumedrol but can you make that "to go" please? And hey did you happen to notice that it is FALL and I am not only not back to work, but I can't even walk without a walker?

Fast forward through 4 more relapses each with their own out paitent Solumedrol treatments to February of 2005. On February 28 th I got sick -- nausea, vomiting ect and I have been in a downward sprial since. I had one last dose of Solumedrol in early March, but by now, we know that they are doing me no good. I relapse with or without them. When I got to the point where I could not hold my head up, or feed myself, I knew I had to go to Mom's.

My mom got on the phone and called my neruo in NC and the one at Hopkins and threw a fit until they finally ordered another MRI. The MRI of my brain showed some new lesions and some of the old ones, but the MRI of my C-Spine showed HUGE lesions in my cerebellum and spine. No wonder I couldn't walk, stand, even SIT upright by myself, swallow, feed myself or hardly even speak! Sso, in April of 2005, my NC neuro decided to put me on Novantrone - after my mom refused to let him do nothing.

Unfortunately, I relaspsed again before I could get the novantrone. So, back to Mom's I went after being home for only 10 days. We called the Hopkins neuro and told him about the Novantrone and he told us... wait for it... He told us that the NC neurologist told him that I was EXAGGERATING my symptoms!!!

My mom went BALLISTIC! She told the Hopkins neuro that she was an ICU nurse with 16 years experience and that her daughter (that would be me) could not even hold her head up when she got there! She said that she was not used to people "doubting her veracity" which I guess me thinking she is lying. Anyway, he got us in to see him on his next clinic appointment. By now, I was using my wheelchair all the time and only able to help piviot to the bed. Bed pans truly suck, by the way.

So, we saw him on May 24th. He took one look at my MRI and a whole different expression came across his face. He started talking about chemotherapy and a study they were doing for people with "Aggressive" disease. We talked about it a great deal and decided that we would try to get in the study, as maybe it could help me and someone else later on down the line. But then we found out that I was too young. See, you have to be 21 and I am only 20. So, we had to get special permission for me to be in the study which took FOREVER.

Finally on July 19th I had my screening MRI to get into the study. You have to have 2 active (enhancing) lesions on your MRI to be in the study, but by July, I was doing much better i.e. taking steps out of the wheelchair using my walker again and trying to walk 60 feet a day so that I could meet the EDSS level you had to be in order to be in the study. Sooo... I only had 1 enhancing lesion. Figures huh? Anyway, we talked to my neuro and he was disappointed . He said we could wait 2 weeks and try again, but we were afraid that if I relapse again in that time, I will have the lesion load, but I wont be able to meet the EDSS score. Plus, we all think that we are wasting too much time (and brain tissue) the neruo included. So, we decided on ... you guessed it NOVANTRONE! Back to where I was in April!

Now, we are waiting for the neuro to set up the N with Hopkins Oncology. Hopefully that will be sometime next week and I will be able to go home for a while before my next dose. However, my mom says I am NEVER to see that quack of a neurologist in NC again!

SO, there we are... the Readers Digest condensed version of my life as an MS survivor.